the West Coast and never returned. With him went my blurry image of manhood and a big portion of what happ- ness I had known.

It wasn't long after my father's departure that my desires started to bloom. The transition from one piece of clothing to dressing completely was made quite fast naturally. By the age of eleven I was dressing up in my sister's clothing at every opportunity and with a great deal of courage progressed to closets of the lady who rented an apartment upstairs. About this time I was caught by the lady renter, but strangely nothing was done and I managed to make some sort of excuse about wondering how I would look as a girl. The punishment came however, in the form of self- guilt which I carried for years after. I buried my humiliation and guilt in the activities of boyhood. From that moment on I tried to excel in everything that I did. Thus a pattern of life was established that I followed for almost 20 years. The desire to dress as a girl would become so great that that I was forced to surrender to it. I would enjoy a happy feeling of security and femininity and stay dress- ed as long as possible, each time wishing I could live as a girl the rest of my life. After taking the clothes off and placing them neatly away, I would fall into a deep depression and then plunge headlong into the masculine world to forget.

From grade school to high school the pattern re- mained and only when dressed as a girl did I know any feeling of well being and peace of mind. I was driven to become the best at whatever I did. In sports I ex- celled and was always elected the captain of the team. Since things were not too good financially at home, I worked at part-time jobs through high school, but still managed to receive several letters in sports and become captain of the football team. The only time that I didn't dress was during football season because of a fear that God would punish me if I wore anything femi- nine. My prayer changed during these years to: "Please God, take away my desire to dress up and make me a good boy!" I began to hate my sessions with femininity but couldn't overcome the urge and soon would give in. As a senior in high school I became an honor student, chairman of the student council and was elected class president.

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